I never imagined I would find myself in this position, torn between the love for my late son and the responsibilities I have toward my daughter. My son was everything to us. After years of trying for a boy, he came into our lives like a blessing—a little light we never knew we needed. He was our joy, our hope, and our future. Losing him in a car accident shattered us beyond words. It felt like a part of our hearts was lost, and no matter how hard we tried to move on, the pain was always there.
Our daughter, who has always been a bright and determined young woman, received a scholarship for college, but like many students, she still faces financial challenges. Recently, she asked if she could use her brother’s college fund to help with rent and living expenses. My heart broke for her, knowing how much she struggled to make ends meet. But there was a part of me that couldn’t bear to part with that money. That fund was meant for my son. It was his future, the dreams we had for him, and I wasn’t ready to let go of that.
Instead, I told my daughter no. Her scholarship should help with school, and she would find a way to handle rent. But the real reason I said no was that I needed this money to help us heal. My husband and I had planned a trip to Europe—a dream we had before we lost our son. It was an opportunity for us to find peace, to grieve, and to remember the good times without the constant reminders of our loss.
The decision felt selfish, but it also felt necessary. I wanted, just for once, to put my own healing first. But the guilt was overwhelming. Was I wrong to prioritize our healing over my daughter’s immediate need? Was I being a bad mother for taking something meant for her brother’s future and using it for something that, in the grand scheme of things, might seem frivolous?
Grief is personal and complex.
The way each person copes with loss is different. For some, healing involves finding time to grieve, reflect, and move forward in their own way. That doesn’t make it selfish; it’s part of the process of rebuilding life after tragedy.
It’s okay to prioritize your own healing.
As a mother, you give everything to your children, but that doesn’t mean you should never take time for yourself. Self-care, especially after trauma, is essential. Sometimes, you have to put your own needs first in order to be strong enough to care for others.
Parents are allowed to make difficult choices.
There’s no rulebook for handling grief, family needs, and financial decisions. What seems like a selfish choice may actually be an attempt to rebuild emotional strength. This can be a delicate balance between supporting your children and acknowledging your own emotional needs.
Communication and understanding are key in family matters.
It’s important to explain your choices to your children with empathy. Understanding the situation from both sides can help bridge the gap between conflicting needs and emotions. This story is not about choosing one child over another but about finding a way to navigate through the complexity of love, grief, and family.
Material things don’t replace emotional healing.
The money that was meant for my son’s future could never truly replace the pain of losing him. Ultimately, what matters most is finding peace, healing, and honoring his memory in a way that brings comfort and helps the family move forward together.
The hardest part of being a mother is knowing when to say yes and when to say no. While it’s never easy, sometimes we have to make decisions based on what’s best for us in that moment, knowing that it doesn’t mean we love our children any less. Every choice comes with a weight, but the goal is to move forward with love and understanding, no matter how challenging the path may seem.