This story begins with June Woolf receiving a letter from Walmart claiming that her husband was no longer welcome in the store. When she reads over the reasons why, it’s no wonder they don’t want him coming in! Reading through the imaginative and mischievous things her husband gets up to in a store made me laugh out loud!
This piece of Internet humor has been circulating for many years and began as a list of funny things for husbands could do to pass the time while their wife shops. Over the years, it’s turned into a letter banning a husband from a store. The name of the store may change, as may the name of the wife and husband, but the joke remains the same!
“Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, have been compiled and are listed below:
1. November 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. November 23: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. December 10: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. December 23: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares!” … and watched what happened.
5. January 10: Went to the Service Desk and asked to reserve a bag of potato chips.
6. January 23: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. February 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. March 5: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
9. March 26: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. April 2: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. April 15: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. April 26: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
13. May 1: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “PICK ME! — PICK ME!”
14. May 12: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
And last, but not least:
15. May 16: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, “Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!”
Mr. Wally Brown
Walmart Complaint Department
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