It seems like being in a serious, long-term relationship is the socially acceptable norm for some of us, while for many others, the thought is scary. In truth, a lot of people are just in a phase in their life where they don’t feel the need to be “tied down”, but some do actually have anxiety or phobias revolving around the idea of commitment.
People with no problem with commitment have no trouble sharing their lives, emotions and weaknesses. However, those that do suffer from fear of commitment find it more difficult to open up and let themselves be emotionally attached to another person.
Seeing that in other people can help you spot the red flag. But what if the problem lies in you? To be able to see the patterns of commitment issues is the first step toward overcoming it. So settle in, here are 6 signs to look for in yourself to see if you have fear of commitment.
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6 Signs You Are Afraid Of Commitment
1. You Nitpick All The Time
It’s not strange to question your partner from time to time if you are truly uncertain about you and your partner’s compatibility. A relationship requires a lot of compromises and it would not work if you are not on the same page.
But check in with yourself: are you just nitpicking to find an excuse to be out? Whether it’s the way they dress or how you don’t like their friends, you’ll be able to find enough reasons not to let this relationship get too deep.
2. The Moment They Are Invested, You Feel Uneasy
Do you feel anxious and have the urge to run away the moment the phrase “I love you” is dropped? If yes, then there are definitely commitment fears you need to work on.
It seems like you were very invested when the chase was on and it was all fun and game. But when the other person starts to show attachment, you lose interest and run in the other direction.
And that does not just limit to your own relationship as well. You think your married friends are settled and their life must be boring. You cling onto the idea that any committed relationship is prison and that once you are in one, you’re trapped and you lose your freedom.
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3. You Project Presumptions From Past Pains Into Your New Relationship
Ever heard of the Hot stove rule? Well, essentially, it’s a theory developed by Psychologist Douglas McGregor that if a child touches a hot stove, the pain from the burn they encounter would teach them to not make the same mistake again. This also goes for us adults with commitment issues.
If you have ever had a failed relationship where you were treated badly by your ex partner, chances are you might carry past trauma onto your new relationship. This metaphorical burn by a past partner can lead you to fear and shun any intimacy altogether to avoid being hurt again.
For instance, if your ex cheated on you, you may begin to doubt men in general, but especially, your new beau. You get very paranoid and think he is going to cheat on you as well. You carry your beliefs about how horrible people can be into your new relationship, as a result of your cheating ex breaking your heart.
But remember, this is all in your head, you just need to learn to let yourself be healed and trust again.
4. You Don’t Want To Get In Too Deep
It’s alright if you don’t feel like getting serious and just want something casual from time to time. But if it is something that you do all the time, you might need to look into it.
Don’t get me wrong, casually seeing people, especially when you are in a transitional phase in life is not a bad thing, and it does not mean you have commitment issues as well. There are times when you just need to focus on other things rather than your love life.
However, the keyword here is “always”. It is a problem when you’ve never felt the desire to date someone in a more committed way than going out to dinner every once in a while and breaking the relationship off after a few months.
5. You Dread Making Plans
Do you find yourself reluctant to come up with any plan for two this weekend?
Is the thought of setting up a date more of a dread to you than a joy?
Do you often give the other person vague responses like “I’ll think about it” or “I’ll let you know”?
And do you just want to cancel your plans most of the time?
Refusing to make plans, no matter if they are just weekend plans or far ahead plans like a trip away, is a telltale sign of a non-committal mindset. You’re probably not that interested in hanging out with the person, or you’re just holding out for better plans to come.
The thing is that, you do like this person, you just feel anxious.
6. You Just Can’t Think That Far Ahead
If you can see a future with your partner, or at least, see them as a fit for a long-term relationship, then you know it will work out. And if you don’t, you may think about ending things and move on.
But what if you don’t give the future any thought at all?
Unwillingness to think about a future together may mean that you don’t think you will stick around long enough for the future to roll out. If this repeatedly happens among your relationships, you could have problems with commitment.
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